Happy Halloween

Honeybunches had a good Halloween, even though we didn't go Trick-or-Treating.  I bought him 6 yummy Vegan candy bars from Go Max Go which he was happy with.  Of course I had to buy six for Mommy too lol.  He said he likes Cleo's the best.  I gave him the two I bought for myself with two of the other candy bars he said he didn't like as much.  Cleo's are like a Vegan version of Reese's. I also bought him two other bags of candy that he can eat.  He didn't seem to mind.  In fact, I got one of the longest hugs ever.  I guess that must mean he was happy with me lol.  Trick-or-Treating often leaves him tired, grouchy and overstimulated anyways.  This way he got the same amount of candy we probably would have gotten but without all the work.  :)

Today was the Harvest Fest Family BBQ at his school.  That was fun.  Honeybunches took me on a tour to see all the scarecrows the classrooms worked hard on and have a contest for.  Then we went out to recess where we searched for four leaf clovers together.  Of course he found one.  He's so good at seeing them in patches with many others.  It was his lucky day!

Overall he's been doing pretty good at school.  Last Friday he had an issue where he refused to get off the swing and hit another student.  The teacher said that it turned into a very teachable moment though. His communication book said:

"He came in ready for confrontation, put his head down, and was going to refuse work.  I went and got the principal.  Between the two of us we got him talking and discussing what happened... He drew how he was feeling when I didn't draw the right face. I think the situation really enforced how powerful words can be.  I am so proud of him.  He did an amazing job. He even apologized to the student he hit."

Yesterday morning began great, but he was testing his new aide some more.
"... He refused to do his work.  As a result, he lost Pokemon and part of his recess, but did his spelling and was able to go out.  After lunch when he realized he was not going to earn free time, he became upset and started disrupting the class.  I am happy to say given the choices, he chose the correct thing to do and turned around his afternoon.  He got to go to the bus first.  We talked about what happened so he can have a great day..."

Today he had an awesome day all around, at school and at home.

I am happy to say that we got through Hurricane Sandy without any issues.  We never lost power and our town is mostly fine with the exception of some fallen trees, but they aren't on the major roads. :) DH's family who lives in NYC is safe too, thank goodness.

Today would have been my father's birthday.  I miss him a lot today.  It's the first birthday of his that he's celebrating with the angels. 

Persuasion, "Ooh... Ahhh" and Awesome IEP Meeting

Friday was an awesome day for Honeybunches at school.  He had a good weekend too.

Monday his Communication Book stated how "He had a small issue at recess with two classmates.  Honeybunches was told by one child to throw the swing at another classmate. Teachers intervened.  The group was split up.  The first child was put in time out.  E and the other student ran off to play a chasing game. It seemed friendly enough and didn't turn into any angry play."

I am glad that the other student got disciplined and not him.  I can see how in a few years people may be taking advantage of him to fight their fights for them.  When he gets to the upper grades, the schools will likely not be as tolerant.  They won't want to hear "Well ____ told me to do it".

Tuesday at counseling L was playing Emotional BINGO with Honeybunches.  The way they play it, he picks a card.  Then he has to talk about what the feelings mean. He picked "In Love".  Honeybunches said "That's when a boy kisses a girl.  Oooh.  Ahhh. That feels good." Oh goodness!!! Does that mean puberty is coming soon?

This morning we had Honeybunches annual IEP meeting.  The SPED Director said his 1:1 aide will receive Restraint Training on 11/2. They are going to clarify a few things in his IEP.  We had a discussion about his possible placements for next year.  The two options presented included "The Integrated Learning Center" at his current school or a classroom that's the same type he's at now, but at the 5th-6th grade school.  The teacher at the ILC was Honeybunches' teacher in K-1st back when he was struggling. Princess used to call that teacher's room "The class for children with behavioral issues".  Everyday when Honeybunches would get to school in that room, he'd greet the other children.  Then they'd say something with a negative attitude to him or be rude to him and that would throw his whole day off.  I'd see his face go from happy to sad in about 1 second.  It was heartbreaking.  That teacher was a good teacher.  It was just that his classroom was not the correct environment for him.  He's made so much progress with his current teacher.  I voiced my concerns about how to him, that would seem like going backwards.  They agreed.  We believed as a team that a similar classroom to the one he's in now, at the 5-6th grade school would be the best fit.  Of course we'll see how his year goes, but that's what we are leaning towards thinking.  I have concerns over how the transition will go. The teacher said she will do some transitioning in the Spring with the children who will be going to the new school touring it, meeting the new teacher, she'll talk with the new teacher about him and stuff like that.

 I requested that his 1:1 aide (Yes, his new one) be able to transition with him.  The SPED Director approved that request (Unless something unforeseen happens).

I also requested that he be able to ride a bus to the school next year. We live .9 miles.  At one mile a bus is required in our district.  The SPED director approved that request too.  I mentioned how he'd be walking to school, see a butterfly and wander into somebody's yard following it.  His teacher said she could see that happening.

 I requested Summer Tutoring, which the SPED director also approved.  He might add in a Summer Enrichment Program with 1:1 aide, but it's unknown if that will be an option based on funding (Whether that program will even exist in the Summer is unknown at this point). 

He's making a ton of steady progress.  He met many of his IEP goals from last year, so they are making him new ones.  His services will remain the same:

• Speech 1x30 individual; 1x30 group to reinforce the skills learned individually
• OT 1x30
• PT 1x30
• Counseling 1x30
• Social Skills Group

His reading fluency picked up, so they are working on comprehension.  In reading he's at an end 2nd grade or beginning 3rd grade level so he's a bit delayed in that area still.

We talked about his transition to the new aide.  The school counselor mentioned how Honeybunches is actually greiving.  He thought Mr. N got sick because one day he went to the doc and never came back so he was worried.  She's actually doing some greif counseling with him. He is very depressed because Mr. N left him the counselor said so they're focusing on those feelings right now and how to get through this.  I'm glad she's working on those things with him.  His teacher said that if any opportunity arises for him to test Mrs T he'll  take it.  She mentioned how yesterday at recess Honeybunches picked up a stick.  She said staff intervened quickly so it didn't escalate, but if they hadn't she has no doubt that he would have hit somebody with it.  (Congratulations to the staff for working so quickly and knowing my son lol...)  She said he's constantly thinking "What can I get away with"?  He one day threatened to punch the classroom aide.  Then an officer was in the building, so he stopped in to see what was going on.  Honeybunches was interested in him, asking if he had handcuffs, a badge, a tazer, a gun, a police car, etc. They said that made him change his tune really quick.  They thought it was because he was an officer.  I told them I think it's because one day he might just be an officer and how he is always pretending to be one at home.

Last year Honeybunches got excused from the MCAS and did an MCAS Alt instead (Which was a portfolio instead of the testing).  This year the team suggested that he take the MCAS with "Every accommodation there is".  This is to include a private setting with 1:1 aide, scribe, tracking, typing, unlimited time and more.  I shall see once I get his IEP in front of me...

In counseling they are going to work more this year with helping E find words for his behaviors/feelings, calming techniques and continue grief work.  Overall this was a very positive IEP meeting.  This was the 1st time they didn't have his IEP for me to read though.  They are changing some of his goals, updating his safety plan, and making some other changes.  It worked out though, because they can put the things I requested that we agreed upon today in it.  His current IEP doesn't technically expire until 10/29 anyways, so they have a few days.  I expect with their extra time, that things will be perfect and it will meet my approval lol. 

Seeking Sunshine

This just came to my brain. Sometimes I think in poetry...

Seeking sunshine is something we always do
Having to do more than we ever hoped we'd have to
Some decisions that make our hearts tear

Sometimes getting them more help then we can bare

It's nice to have others who have truly been there
To rejoice in the good times
Support us, guide us, and help us through the bad
Until the rolleroaster comes to a stop at the launch pad

Never knowing when it will start up again
The most unpredictable ride in this world we are on
Buckling up seatbelts for the ride of our lives
Seeking an end we continue to strive

Striving to get our children the help that they need
Striving to help them in all life succeed
Striving against school districts filled with greed
Striving with all of our energy we plead

Hoping that one day they'll be a pill that will work magic
Seeking Sunshine is a name that I use
Because every day in life I'm Seeking Sunshine for my son
To live not only a good life, but the best one

All children deserve the best
And nothing less
Sometimes the world and diagnoses can get in the middle
Of happiness

Inside my heart has broken many times
Like a glass shattering on the brown lanolium floor
When the world forces him to close one door
Because there was no money for those accommodations they could find

Forcing Goodbyes on a child
For whom transitions are filled with so much trouble
Forcing the things they worried
Would lead to trouble

All to save a school districts dollar
Not caring if my son becomes a bright young scholar
That's above their hopes and dreams
But not mine

They only have to provide
A "Free Appropriate Education"
I want my son to get a degree
Not a certificate of completion

There are big differences in what is "Adequate"
Between there eyes and mine
Until the world becomes more tolerant
I'll remain Seeking Sunshine

Control Game~! And the winner is...

Around 3 pm as I was getting ready to go out for the bus, the phone rang.  The school called to tell us that Honeybunches was refusing to get on the bus.  They had to hold the bus for him. Then as we were talking, the secretary said he did get on the bus with the help of his aide, the principal and school psychologist.  A couple minutes later the phone rang again.  When I seen "--- town of" on the caller ID I knew it was them again.  Turns out the bus only made it to "The playground when they had to turn around because (Honeybunches) was hitting his aide and the bus driver".  Thankfully my brother was home, so we could use his car to go pick him up.  DH and I got there within a few minutes.  Honeybunches was in his classroom, at his desk looking very sad.  The teacher, principal, school counselor and school psychologist were all there in his class.  I told them again a couple times that he needs a man.  The 2nd time I said "I don't think I can demand a man".  Everyone (They are all ladies) got some laughs out of that lol.  In all seriousness he really does.  I know this was part testing his aide and part a control issue.  The control issue became clear when I asked him why he would not get on the bus.  He said "Cause they were making me get my coat and it's sunny out".  He told them that he was going to refuse to get on the bus.  That was his plan.  This was his game.  Guess who won?  He clearly did.  I hope that this does not continue.  I told the principal, teacher, counselor and psychologist that I was concerned about it continuing because he won the control and the test.  Just that fact, might make this more likely to happen again.  He loves to be in control.  I am 100% sure that if his previous aide Mr. N was with him none of this would have happened.  He would have gotten on that bus even if Mr. N had to make him.  Them letting Honeybunches have this control is not good.  I told the principal that his aide needs restraint training.  They said they have it scheduled for the 20-something of this month.  Thankfully we have his IEP meeting next week.  Looks like we'll have a lot to discuss.  Our rule at home is that if he is aggressive with people then he doesn't get to go on the computer.  I told him today that if we have to go to school and pick him up again that he won't go on the computer.  He seemed to be listening and understand.  DH told him that if we had to go get him again, he also would stay upstairs.  He loves the computer and being outside so hopefully that might stop this test from happening again.  It might or might not depending on how much control E wants at school.  We shall see!

Test #2

Honeybunches had a pretty good morning at school.  His teacher wrote in his communication book for today that "Around 1:00 he became very silly and irritated.  He refused to go to PT... He kept laughing and then became very irritated.  For his own safety Mrs P (Class aide who is restraint trained) and I escorted him to the time out space.  He settled down after about 10 minutes.  He came back and was fine."

So two school days in a row he's needed to use the time out space.  :(  I had emailed the teacher with a response to what she wrote in the communication book on Friday (Which I posted here.)  I told her that Honeybunches has a hard time expressing his feelings with words.  I asked her to keep me updated on if objects talk to him and if he has more incidents with talking about people being dead so I can let his pdoc know.  I told her how he was testing to see what he can get away with now that Mr. N is gone. I asked if he realized that they cleared the room because of him.  I let her know how if he did realize that, it could have given him the control that he longs to have.  I reminded her how he reads into body language, so if he can see somebody is upset, nervous, frustrated or mad he will likely do whatever he was doing even more.  I told her that it's best to stay calm but let him know you are serious.

His teacher wrote back saying "I don't think he realized that I cleared the room because of him.  I stayed very calm and neutral while I was talking to him because I knew if I got a reaction it was all over. I will definetly let you know of any talk that is concerning. I think stabbing the paper made him feel better in a funny kind of way. I am hoping we passed the test so things can get back to normal and now that we have had a frost we should be able to go out for recess.  This should help too.  I will feel better when Mrs. T has had restraint training.  They give a lot of valuable de-escalation tactics so it does not get to the point of restraining....I will keep working on getting him to talk when he is angry or upset. I think he is beginning to understand the power of words... "

I sure will be glad when Mrs. T his new aide has restraint training too!  Because he was struggling again today, I wonder if that means they failed his test on Friday?  We shall see I guess... I'm glad that we have the IEP meeting coming up next week on the 24th. 

Angry Honeybunches

Honeybunches' teacher wrote a long note in his Communication Book today.  It said:

"I think today was the day he realized that Mr. N was really not coming back. He started out okay at morning meeting but then refused to come over and join the group.  We worked threw that but he did lose sharing his animal. He was okay during snack, Math and most of Reading. After we took our spelling test he became very silly. When we ignored that he upped the anti. He began making silly noises and really disruptive.  He was given a choice to stop or lose Pokemon. He replied that he didn't care.  Ultimately he ended up being escorted by Mrs. P (Class aide who is restraint trained) and myself to the time out space. At first he wanted nothing to do with telling me what was wrong.  Eventually he admitted he was sad that Mr. N is not here. I told him that was okay.  We went for a walk and when he came back to the class he was okay. He had a rough afternoon.  He became very disruptive in class again.  Only this time I moved the children out of the room.  I stayed with him in the classroom.  I had a hard time getting him to express how he was feeling. So I started drawing circles with different facts on them. This at least got him to pay attention to me.  Once I got his attention I asked him to tell me if he was angry.  He said yes but didn't know why. I asked if he was mad at me.  He said no.  I asked if he was mad at Mrs T.  He said No.  I asked if he was mad at Mrs P.  He said no.  Then I asked if he was mad at Mr. N.  He said no.  He could not tell me he was angry. He just kept stabbing his paper with his pencil.  He got himself in the finger.  We washed it and put a band aid on his cut.  While he was stabbing the paper he told me that the paper was telling him to stab it.  That was actually when I asked him if he was angry.  He also said the people were dead while he was stabbing the paper.  Once he admitted he was angry he began to de-escalate.  He did lose free time and we talked about that too.  We also talked about bringing back the circle chart.  He thought that might help him next week.  I will work on that this weekend. Despite everything that has happened.  I think overall he had a great week.  It breaks my heart when I think about how he must feel without Mr. N. by his side, but I am sure he will build a good relationship with Mrs. T.  She has been great with him...."

It sounds like he might have been going through emotions and testing today.  This morning he was fine.  Yesterday afternoon he was a bit irritable, but didn't have any major issues.

I heard from the SPED director today.  He contacted somebody from an alternative school in our area to schedule restraint training for Honeybunches' 1:1 aide.  His teacher is interested in taking it too. The SPED director also apologized for the way things happened with Mr. N.

We have his IEP Meeting scheduled for the 24th of this month where I plan on going over how he is transitioning to the new aide, any concerns regarding that, possible placements for next year (5th grade supposed to be a different school), transportation for next year (The 5th grade school is close enough so he is supposed to walk because we live .9 miles and 1 mile gets a bus), and updates on progress from his teacher and providers at school.

Day 1 with new aide

The 1st day with Honeybunches' new aide went well. Mrs T came to the bus stop early which was good. Honeybunches did remember her from his class last year once he seen who she was.  He did a great job helping her learn his schedule. I like how they let him do that, so he still felt in control a bit.

My stomach was in knots this morning. I have a habit of worrying too much. With his old aide I didn't worry after he was with him for a few months. Then I had almost 3 years of much less worries lol. I trusted him fully with Honeybunches' care. Maybe after a few months I'll trust her too. (If she lasts that long because Honeybunches went through 5 aides in K before finding Mr N at the beginning of 1st, but was also a different child back then.) I hope she likes a challenge~!

I expect him to get a feel for her before the testing begins. He always has a "Honeymoon period" 1st to study people before testing them. The question is not if he will test her but when, how, how intense the testing will be and how she will react to him. (The reactions he gets from people is what either fuels the fire or puts it out...) Either good reactions or bad ones both work for him. He just loves reactions from people and has always looked like he studied them from infancy. The more intense the better lol. Hopefully she'll know to remain calm and pass his test.

His teacher Mrs Understanding sent me an email saying "I just want to reassure you that everything will be fine and (Honeybunches) will continue to thrive in our classroom".  I found out today that while neither the teacher or his new aide have restraint training another aide in the classroom does.  His teacher is going to ask the SPED Director if she can receive that training. 


This afternoon at his outside counseling appointment, I gave the counselor a letter to let her know about the cat dying and Mr N being laid off. She talked to him a bit about both.  He made Mr N a card that says "Dear Mr N... I hope you come back soon. Love ----".  That was so sweet. By the way Honeybunches was talking about it, he thinks Mrs T is just with him "Until Mr N comes back".  IDK when he thinks he is coming back, but he thinks he is. IDK how to explain this one to him.  I told him he might not come back.  He doesn't understand "Might".  I don't want to tell him he is not coming back because then if he does come back I would have lied to him.  I can't tell him he is because then I'd be lying too and he'd also get his hopes up.  This is a horrible predicament with us left picking up the pieces from the school district's mess.

 I can see why he gets frustrated with his counselor sometimes.  I went in with him and had to play translator.  She could not understand him very good today.  He was talking fast and mumbling a bit, but I knew exactly what he said.  That kind of reminded me of the old days when I used to have to translate for everyone.  Mommy just knew 95% of the time, when his words were incomprehensible to others.  His speech is so much better than it used to be, but when he gets nervous he talks fast and quiet which does make it harder to understand.

Honeybunches 1:1 Aide of 3 Years Laid Off

Thursday Honeybunches came home from school early.  The school said he had a headache, wasn't eating, kept his head laid down on his desk and refused to go to the nurse.  Once home besides not having as big an appetite as usual and being a little less hyper he was fine.  Friday he had diarrhea twice in the morning so I kept him home.  Good thing I did because I would not have wanted him to be at school with the chaos that happened. 

Friday the SPED Director called me.  Honeybunches 1:1 aide who has been with him since the beginning of 1st grade, so for the past 3+ years got laid off. :( :( :( </3 </3

He explained it as last school year the district did some lay-offs.  They chose to lay off the wrong way.  They kept the ones with special training, like Honeybunches' 1:1 who had restraint training and other training related to his diagnoses. They laid off others.  The aides who got laid off contacted the union.  The union got their lawyers.  The lawyers demanded the school district re-hire those people and lay-off based on seniority only.  I guess Honeybunches' aide has not been there as long as others, so he had to be one of those who got laid off.  Although he was with Honeybunches for 3+ years, he was down on the totem pole I guess.  Honeybunches struggles with changes and transitions.  They didn't even give this a transition.  It was basically he got laid off Friday, was all done Friday, and the new aide will begin Tuesday. (There is no school here on Monday cause it's a holiday.) No prior notice.  Just done.  That's what frustrates me the most about this whole situation.  No transition.  No letting his aide who he was very close with a chance to say "Good-bye" and explain the situation.  Just done. It sounded like these lay-offs happened in the middle of the school day, as the SPED director called me about noontime sounding like things just happened.  I'm glad he stayed home that day! The SPED Director said his aide is "Distraught" because he bonded so well with Honeybunches.  I know he loved Honeybunches. I think I might request that they don't leave the same aide with him for that long again.  The change might just be too much for him.  We shall see how this goes.

When I told him the news about his aide on Friday he said in the saddest voice "Please lock my door and leave me alone".  Then DH asked him if a dollar would make him feel better.  Honeybunches said while crying "No but maybe two dollars will".  LOL Little con!

In all seriousness again, I wonder how these changes will affect him. 

The aide was a crossing guard.  When the SPED Director called me there was some mix up about how she'd ride the bus with Honeybunches because of that.  The new aide called me herself to discuss Honeybunches.  She said that she resigned from her position as the crossing guard so she can be "All (Honeybunches)".  She only lives a half mile from us so she said she'd walk over to take the bus with him in the mornings. Then she'll ride home with him in the afternoons (But stay on the bus to proceed to another school where she does an afterschool program). I told the SPED Director that I expect the new aide to stay in close proximity to him.  His old aide gave him some space at recess, but with these changes that would not be a good idea right now.  Honeybunches is having a really hard time understanding what "Laid Off" means and why his previous aide won't be working with him anymore.  I told him the school district can't pay him anymore.  Even that was too hard and confusing for him to grasp.

I wrote the Superintendent about my concerns regarding this situation.  He wrote me back and said:

"I am very sorry about what has taken place, and a bit disgruntled too. This was outside of my control, as (SPED Director) explained.  I know that Mr. N worked very hard and very well with (Honeybunches), and if funding comes available in the future I will do all that I can to get him back. Do not hesitate to call me if there are any issues with the change.  I will overlook what is happening with (Honeybunches) myself!"  

All this after I wrote the Superintendent a lovely email Thursday saying how impressed I am with everything he's done for the school district, how wonderful everyone has been with Honeybunches, how lucky I am that he gets his needs taken care of right here, how proud I was of Angel getting "Advanced" and "Proficient" on her 10th grade MCAS etc.  

I wrote another letter Friday telling him I'm not so happy anymore, how he struggles with no men around, how transitions are hard for him, how these changes can throw him into a depression and cause him to have major issues. I also told him how wonderful his last aide was, how he not only knew his needs, could read his body language so he could prevent things from happening before they did and he was also an excellent advocate for him.  

I typed up the new aide a 3 page "Intro to Honeybunches".  I really hope she takes the time to read it as I made the time to write it.  Chances are Honeybunches will test this new aide to see how she'll react and what he can get away with.  DH and I are both concerned about how Honeybunches will do without a man in the room.  When DH goes away he has a hard time controlling his body.  Even in counseling sometimes when he struggles, his counselor will call a man counselor to the room and he'll change up real quick.  For whatever reason he just needs that male figure around him.  

Then I wrote another (Yup the 3rd) letter to the SPED Director and Superintendent requesting that the new aide receive training about Honeybunches' Autism and Bipolar diagnoses as well as undergo Restraint Training. I made it clear that nobody is to touch my son without the proper training unless it's an emergency situation. 
 

I wrote both his aide and teacher about expecting him to test the new aide to see how she'll react and what he can get away with.  

Yesterday while Honeybunches was outside riding his scooter up and down the sidewalk he came into the house screaming that he thinks "Jinn got hit by a car."  Yup the cat was lifeless lying in the middle of our busy street.  Jinn was our outside cat.  He was Angel's favorite.  With Honeybunches being the one to find him, I know it affected him.  We were in the store later that day getting cat food for our other cats Mystery and Sunny.  Honeybunches said "Draco likes this kind".  Draco was another cat of ours who got hit a few years ago.  I think Jinn getting hit by a car reminded him of Draco, whom he was pretty close with.  We've lost a few cats to this street.  The speed limit is 45 but cars go more like 60 past our house.  Hopefully our other two cats who we've had since they were 6-8 weeks old and that have never gone outside will be safe.  

So between losing Mr N and him finding our dead cat, I know this weekend must have been harder on him then it seems to have been.  He is like me in some ways.  He does a good job hiding his emotions sometimes.  I believe it is affecting him though, because yesterday he woke up at 4:30 and stayed up until 8:30 without any naps.  That's a very long day.  Lately for the past year or so he has been getting up at 6-6:30 so 4:30 is not normal for him.  His mood seemed okay today though.  

We have some new neighbors.  This couple with a six-year-old girl H moved next door.  Honeybunches and Princess have been having a lot of fun playing with her. Yesterday I guess he yelled at H for riding his scooter, but she came back today to play with him so I guess she is forgiving. 

I also miss my father who passed away on May 1st a lot today.  My b-day is coming up on the 15th and it will be the 1st one without him. He has sung to me every year.  It just won't be the same without him. This has been a hard weekend for me. 

I am worried how not having Mr N with him will affect Honeybunches.  I worry how his days will go without him there.  Like the SPED Director voiced in his worries while telling me the news "I don't want him to go backwards". 

I was planning on sending in the $$ and application to take testing for my CNA license again.  I chose to hold off on that for a few months now because of these changes at school.  I want to see how the next 3-6 months will go for Honeybunches, before I decide to go back to work.  I figure it would be better to wait until I'm sure it would work out. 

Momma bear has come out of hiding.  I have not been sleeping well.  I've been thinking of everything we can do for him to make these changes go okay.  That includes writing letters, making demands, paying close attention to his transition, seeing how it affects him, and all that fun Mommy/Advocate stuff. I think I'll keep a log of how his days go, any incidents since the change, etc. 

Thankfully we're due for his Annual IEP Review at the end of the month.  I sent a letter requesting that too.  I asked to hold it as close as possible to the IEP expiration date so that way we'd have a chance to see how he is adjusting to his new aide. 

Emotional Supports For Children Workshop

Yesterday I was sponsored by somebody in our school district to go to a workshop on "Emotional Supports for Children".  It was actually three workshops:

"Beyond Bossing, Begging and Bribing"
"Emotions Coaching"
"Movement Makes Sense"

This was run by the wonderful, funny, inspiring ladies of The Fitzgerald Institute. I learned a lot and wanted to share what I learned here in case others might find it beneficial too.

Movement Makes Sense:

This was an overview of Brain Gym.  The hand-out I received about this states how "Brain gym empowers individuals to utilize their own brain power more effectively.  It balances and integrates your whole brain through simple movements and exercises.  As a result you are relieved of stress, especially stress related to learning and performance.  You are also able to be more focused, organized, and centered in achieving any goal.  This program was originally developed for children with learning difficulties...." We learned about something called PACE: 

Positive

Active

Clear

Energetic

The steps to PACE are drinking water, doing "Brain Buttons", "Cross Crawl" and "Hook Ups".  

Cross Crawl was standing up, lifting your right knee up to hip level, touching it with your left hand and switching back and forth.  Cross Crawl is an exercise that is said to be a "Mid-line Movement" which is good for children who are tense or who have been through trauma. Doing the cross crawl is said to help with transitions, which is something I know most children who have diagnoses like Elijah does, struggle with. Other mid-line movements we learned were doing "Lazy 8s".  Take a piece of paper.  Draw a dot in the center.  Using your dominant hand make a sideways 8 beginning on the dot and going up to the left.  Then repeat with your non-dominant hand.  Again with both hands.  Neck Rolls is another option, as is belly breathing. 

Hook Ups was putting your hands straight out in front of you, thumbs up, thumbs down, criss cross hands, intermingle fingers together, fold in upside down to the chest and hold it there for a couple minutes.  At the same time place the tongue on the roof of the mouth.  That is an important piece, because it releases endorphines which tell the body things are okay. Hook Ups is said to be good for "Deepening Attitudes".  At the same time hold legs out or up and crossed.  

There are also Lengthening Activities.  One we learned which children will most likely like is called Owl.  Make the lobster claw again.  Message the shoulder opposite to that hand.  Squeeze the muscle gently.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Turn head.  Repeat again, while breathing out go "Whooooo".  

Energy exercises work with the mid-brain.  They are said to be good for emotional well being and brain calming.  Things such as Brain Buttons.  Place one hand on the stomach and your other hand on the chest.  Use the fingers and thumb on the chest hand to make a lobster claw.  Message the area of your chest bone gently.  Drinking water was also an energy exercise.  Energy Yawn is another one which increases blood flow to the brain.  Go underneath the ear on those bones with the index and middle fingers.  Rub up and down trying to make yourself yawn.  The "Thinking Cap" is one that works well for balance and auditory.  Rub the ear lobes towards the ear going all the way down.  

Beyond Bossing, Begging and Bribing: 

Jeanine is so very funny and knowledgeable.  If anyone has a chance to see one of her presentations I highly suggest it.  It was awesome! I learned a ton in this workshop.  

• All positive discipline begins with adult behavior. 
• Only two things bring happiness. Those are character and having a life of purpose. 
• All children are perfectly designed. 
• There are no helpless children. 
• Nagging is the fastest way to rebellion at any age. 
• Although adults are taught to get to eye level with children, that actually doesn't work with some children because to them face to face equals a challenge. While important in speech and language, with behaviors eye contact is not important.  Intermittent eye contact with eyes to shoulders is said to be best. Standing side to side is best because it's less intimidating. 
• When people are given a direction they have a decision to make to follow it or not.  If they do then it's all good.  If not then typically parents repeat the direction an average of 3-7x.  If children don't follow through with direction, parents often become angry.  Once angry they usually either say something, do something or give in.  Parents are said to give in 75% of the time because it is easier. 
• When dealing with children we need to think of the proximity we are to them.  Everyone in life has their own comfort zone. 
• An "Effective Command" either gives 2 choices or says "It is time to" without options. 
• It's important to deliver instructions about what we want children to do from a distance of 3-5 feet to teach personal space.  We should have very little affect (Limit hand movement, keep hands below waist and neutral).
• Once instruction is delivered wait 10 seconds before repeating.  This actually seems to be a lot longer than it sounds to be.  Try it.  You'll see! Then move to action giving consequences. 
• We learned about the different parenting styles which you can learn more about here and here. The three types we learned about were Authoritarian, Permissive and Authoritative. Authoritative is said to be the best. 
• There are 3 things we need to feel secure in life: 1. Rules that mean something... 2. Consequences... 3. Consistent Follow Through with those rules.
• "Few rules followed are better than many not."
• We should only have 3-5 rules such as "Ask before touching" instead of "Keep hands to self" because sometimes in life we might need to touch others such as to help them. 
• If you can't figure an effective consequence to a behavior, that behavior doesn't call for a consequence.  It calls for teaching.  
• It's far more important to use positive consequences that begin with "I notice that....."
• Anticipate and prevent; Communicate, Set limits, Acknowledge and Validate Emotions (I hear what you are saying..."), Teach new skills.  
• "If you don't listen to the whispers you force them to shout".  This is talking about behaviors and how small things can escalate into huge ones.  
• Discipline has two goals:  To teach self discipline and to teach self control.  
• We learned about "Logical Consequences".  Examples of these are: When the child throws a ball in the house remove the ball; When a child spills milk he/she cleans it up; When a child refuses to go to school he must stay in bed all day with no television or entertainment.
• We need to teach children that "Your behavior is not acceptable, but I always love you".  
• When put on the spot, use the STAR method: S=Breathe, Take 10, Say to the child "I need a minute to think; T= Think about what is really happening, what does the child need, and use positive intent; A=Use Active listening to understand the child's point-of-view; R=Respond by applying logical consequences.  
• The best consequences are "Teaching consequences".  For example if a child bites, have them help the person they bit feel better by getting an ice pack and holding it on the boo-boo.  
• Stickers and Time Outs both teach children to think the wrong way. 
• It's important to establish a parenting vision.  When your child is 20 years old what traits and characteristics do you want them to have?  Write a list of 10 and compare with your partner (If you have one).  
• Parents need to stop fighting about differences and look for solutions. 
• When children say "Leave me alone" it is important to do that if it is safe to do so.  Often times parents nag children wanting to know what is wrong, but it is important to give them space and time when they say they need it. 

Emotions Coaching:

• Impulse control is the most important skill we can teach children.
• Emotions Modulation: Intensity (Little vs Big),  Feelings Thermometers, and using words children can relate to. 
• Teach children effective, constructive ways to express emotions (Such as walking away, talking, exercising, alone time...)
• When children act up think if they lack social language, self regulation skills or if they have unmet needs (Hungry?  Tired?  Hot?). 
• Children need quantity time with quantity interactions. 
• Don't try to fix children.  Adjust to them.  
• The Dimensions of Attachment: Sensitivity (Reading cues accurately and responding accurately), Acceptance (Approval), Accessibility (Am I available?), and Cooperation (Work with who the child is not who you expect them to be).  
• Emotional Regulation Sequence: Trigger (Internal or External) leads to Thoughts ("Not safe") which lead to Emotions, which lead to Actions, which lead to the Outcome.  
• Handling Our Own Emotions: Engulfed (Totally overwhelmed, don't know feelings), Accepting (Understanding what the emotion is), Self Awareness (Knowing what emotion is and what the trigger is, then doing what we can to change the outcome). 
• Handling The Emotions of Others: Dismissing and Disapproving (For example "Big boys don't cry" is disciplining a child for their emotions.  This teaches the child "I will trivialize what you express").  Laissez-Faire: "Boys will be boys" letting kids express emotions however no boundaries). Coaching: Helping children label their emotions, acknowledging and validating feelings, teaching modulation (The intensity of emotions and how to calm self). 
• We need to teach children the 4 basic emotions: Mad, Glad, Sad, and Afraid. It is not until age 12 that children can begin recognizing mixed feelings such as jealousy.  In adolescence children begin understanding subtler feelings like love and hate. (Hey that explains why teens like to say "I hate you".
• Teaching Points: Everyone has feelings which are neither right nor wrong; Feelings come from somewhere and have triggers (Some examples of triggers are unstructured times, transitions, loss of power/autonomy, sensory overstimulation or understimulation which leads to frustration or boredom, rejection, or restriction of movement); It's not always easy to know what we feel; The body has an alarm system. 

This workshop was very informative.  The lady running it reminded me of a grown-up, female Honeybunches.  She talked about her childhood.  Some of the things she said sound just like him lol.