In God's Land: A poem to Dad

As the days go by
Tears get less but still fill my eyes
Like water falling
Down the raging river

Mom's eyes are still drenched too
More than the tornado of rain that MA seen last year
I wonder if her heart
Will ever repair

So much heart ache
Blaming herself
For that last breath you took
For that one last look

Wishing to turn back the hands of time
Memories of you are fresh on my mind
Wishing that Mom could be happy again
Looking back on the old times... remembering when

Will her frowns ever turn to smiles
Will her days once again become worth wile
Will the sun every shine in her heart again
Will she be broken until the end

This is not how you'd want her to be
Only wanting what was best for us all
You were a father and husband
A million steps above all the rest

Daddy please watch over Mom
Let her heart feel your warmth
Let peace fill her heart and mind
Let her leave the past behind

Let her have
The good memories to treasure
Not the doubts casting down
On her forever

You knew your time was ending
Here on this Earth
You knew a new beginning
You to a new world God was sending

Resting at peace
In eternal life
Please bandage Momma's heart
So it no longer feels torn apart with a knife

Your tree is getting big outside
I knew you'd look at the 100+ peaches with pride
For every other year they were unseen
It must be through you the sun is beaming

I'll make sure Honeybunches is nice to your tree
We will treat it with care... just as if you were here
The garden is growing more each day
The first salad I harvested today

Memories of the garden you planted
In my childhood which you cared for amazingly
I want my children to have those memories too
Hopefully that's something I will instill in them so true

Camping in the woods
Memories were made that way every year with Mom and you
I was debating to go and leave Mom alone
But want my children to have those memories too

I'm going to go to Otter River
Where you taught me how to light a fire
Taught me the names of the stars as we gazed at night
The moon lit the way just as I know you will now do

I love you Dad and miss you so much
If I can be 10% of the parent you were to me
My children will have the best
I will make you proud... I know you'll still see

Up in heaven
In the world up above
Dancing with the angels
In the world of God's love

Offensive Jokes

Day 1 of lowered Abilify and raised Lithium went well.  At Honeybunches' school there was a Memorial Day program.  Usually he wants nothing to do with it.  Yesterday in his book his aide wrote that Honeybunches said it was too noisy again.  I asked them to call me if he was not going to participate.  No phone call, so I went there.  I pulled up to the full parking lot of the brick school building.  I walked into the gymcafetorium (Gym, cafeteria, auditorium in one lol).  The children soon entered, but no Honeybunches.  I went to his classroom. His aide apologized and said that up until just a few minutes before it began he was planning on going, then changed his mind.  I said "It's fine".  I'd rather have them not make him go, because doing so might not have ended up with good results.  His aide asked if he wanted to come watch it with Mom.  Honeybunches said he did and he actually sat through the whole thing with me!  In the very crowded audience, that was a major accomplishment!

Honeybunches told me tonight "Mr ___ (1:1 aide) said that we should put my hair back on because he doesn't like mohawks.  Next year they should give me a different aide."  Honeybunches never takes jokes.  We asked him if his aide was kidding, but he said "Nope".  He never does understand when people are.  He took things very serious and told me to talk to his aide on Tuesday.  Honeybunches has done really well with his aide and they have a good relationship. He has been with Honeybunches since 1st grade, so for 3 full years now. However his aide said this really offended him.  :( 

The med game

Honeybunches has been doing a ton of lip puckering at home and school.  I was thinking that was signs of Tardive Dyskinesia presenting itself again, since we raised the Abilify a few weeks ago.  I called the pdoc and she agreed.  So we have to lower the Abilify back down to 5 mg 2x per day, leave his Cogentin at 1 mg 2x per day for a few days until the symptoms go away, and then can lower it back down to .5 mg 2x per day.  She mentioned his Lithium level was only .7 so she added 150 mgs to his night dose so he'll be on 300 am and 300 pm of the ER, plus a 150 capsule pm.  IDK why she is mixing the ER and regular, but we'll see how he does with it. He has never been on the capsules before.  It was always the pills.  I am thinking that next month when we see her we might have to consider switching the Abilify for Geodon or something other antipsychotic.  That would be my next choice though.  We have to be careful for his liver because of his "Fatty Liver" and high triglycerides.  We see her on June 13 and school gets out on the 14th, so that might be a good time to discuss changes.  I heard from the school.  We have his IEP meeting on June 10th to discuss Summer Planning and his placement for next year.  I hate changes.  I hate the med game.  Honeybunches has been doing so well behaviorally, but it's always something.  Now I wonder if things will go downhill again with the Abilify being lowered again.  I guess time will tell...

DH has been Mr Grouch again lately.  His meds still don't seem to be right.  He's full of anger, been yelling alot, etc.  Today we had a meeting at church where Pastor was talking about how people are concerned for him.  He could not even stay and walked out on the meeting.  He took the truck home, so I had to get a ride with Pastor when we were done talking.  I wish he could get stable and happy again.  It's not easy living with him when he's like this.  He's not aggressive, just really irritable.

Letter from DCF: Shnooks update

I got some old updates on Shnooks from a paper that came in the mail yesterday.  It was notes from his foster care review meeting that took place back in January.  Yup, it took them 4 months to give us the notes.  Anyways here are the important parts of the 3 pages...

1. "Shnooks connected with his maternal grandmother in November 2011... Their communication has been positive.  She is assisting Shnooks in paying his restitution.  He owes $2000 on destruction of property charges"
2. "Shnooks has been in his current RTC placement since March 2011.  He is awaiting a step down to specialized foster care."
3. "After Shnooks came in to care, in October 2010 his half sister (Whose name DCF can't even spell right lol) disclosed that he has been sexually inappropriate with her.  No charges have been filed.  An ASAP eval found him to be at low risk to sexually offend."
4. "Shnooks is in 12th grade.  He is reported to be on track to graduate in Spring 2012. He expressed a desire to go to college and study criminal justice.  He is awaiting results of his MCAS testing."
5. "On December 21, 2011 Shnooks took Suboxone in combination with his prescription medication.  He had a severe reaction that could have been life threatening.  It was reported at this meeting that on 2 separate occasions since that incident, Shnooks has been questioned as to marijuana use and presenting as under the influence.  Substance abuse treatment is recommended."
6. "Shnooks CHINS was back at court on the morning of this meeting to address his Suboxone and marijuana use.  It was continued to March 2012."
7. "Shnooks is prescribed Adderall and Trileptal."
8. "Shnooks father and stepmother (Us) are found as insufficiently completing their service plan tasks.  They have not been engaged in case planning."
9. "Shnooks was found as insufficiently completing his service plan tasks.  He continues to place himself at risk.  He was hospitalized for combining Suboxone with his prescription medication on December 21, 2011.  Since that time he has appeared or have given consequences for marijuana use on at least two occasions that included school and at the program."
10. "Shnooks tends to dodge responsibility for inappropriate choices.  If this energy could be challenged in a more positive way his potential is endless."

I have many things about this report that don't sit right with me....

1. They could not spell my daughter's name right. 
2. There were no charges filed, but it's not like we didn't try.  We reported what he did to DCF, to the police, to the D.A, brought our dd to an evaluation with the D.A. and did everything we could to try to get what happened resolved.  They didn't have enough evidence.  
3. How they can let him talk to his maternal grandmother is another story.  Before we got Shnooks she abused him for 10 years.  He had many horror stories to tell as he showed me scars all over his body.  Besides physically abusing him, she let his half brother sexually abuse him and then beat him when he told about it!  She also neglected him.  DH and I would buy him new clothing which would sit in his closet while he wore rags which were much to small for him.  DCF and the judge gave us custody.  IDK how they could let him even contact her.... 
4. We were not told of his very serious hospitalization!  I didn't find out about it until we got this note yesterday!!!!!  RRRR. Although he's not in our lives anymore, that never meant we don't care!
5. We are found as insufficiant.... when DCF man had not come around since several months before this meeting... when I called DCF to get updates and nobody called me back... when DCF man SUGGESTED we not go to previous meetings because Charlie would be there and it would be in everyone's best interest if we didn't go (Plus he knew we had Honeybunches, lack of gas money, and was understanding about us not wanting to see him because of what he did to Princess).  So for them to find us "Insufficiant" really pisses me off!!! Plus we were never told of any "Case Plan" meetings!!!!
6. I've told them all along that he doesn't do well on Adderall.  He needs to be on more meds for his BP.  It's obvious whatever he's on now still isn't working!  He needs an antipsychotic on board.  
7. I have issues with not receiving this paper until now, when the meeting happened in January!

There I got all the things that anger me about this note out of my system.  Shnooks is 18 now.  I was under the impression that our case with DCF because of his CHINS was closed more than six months ago.  From the look of his Facebook page, he's in a gang (The Bloods), dealing some type of drug, and still loving his marijuana.  Looks like the RTC did a heck of a lot for him! (Sarcastically of course, because they didn't do much of anything...). :( Oh well.  We've moved on with our lives as much as we possibly can.  While I miss him and will always love him, I know in my heart we did all we could for him.

Memorial Garden Pictures

Sugar Snap Peas.  Princess had the excellent idea to tie them to the bamboo sticks with old long grass pieces.

Another view of the Snap Peas.  We hired somebody to rototill the garden yesterday.  Then we transplanted the peas, cukes, squash, pumpkins and zuchinni in there.  At the beginning of next month we shall buy some pepper, hot pepper and tomato plants to go along with them.

Our baby cukes...

Our one lonely Summer Squash.  Don't worry.  We planted it some friends and some zucchini as well.

Our raised bed garden is growing nicely too.  Here are peas and lettuce.

Peas, lettuce and carrots...

Carrots, Spinach and Asian Greens

Asian greens, chard and up top are our radishes.

Swiss Chard

See how beautiful our raised bed is?

Dance with my father again... Because you loved me...

My dearest father went to heaven to rest with Jesus Monday morning at exactly midnight.  He left people thinking until the end as the nurse's had to concur with each other about which day it would technically be because it was exactly 12:00 not even seconds after.  My mother is devastated of course.  They were married 39 years.  I am really missing my Daddy.  He lived right downstairs from me so we were pretty close.  He went peacefully which is something I prayed for.  Thursday night shortly after midnight he had a major heart attach.  The police came, did CPR and got his heart beating again, but he never regained consciousness.  They did all they could including putting him on a ventilator, giving him a central line IV, putting him in a hypothermic state to preserve whatever brain function was left, and keeping him in a medically induced coma on purpose.  My mother finally had to make the very hard decision to let him go to heaven.  He would never want to live on machines.  He was 88 and had a very good life.  He was healthy until the day of his heart attack.  He walked around, fed himself, toileted himself and bathed himself.  I will forever be missing him...

Honeybunches has been okay with things.  The hardest part for him I believe was when I was at the hospital with my Dad and not here at home.  That was the longest I've ever left him.  I mentioned to him that everyone might be sad for a while because they miss Grandpa.  If I'm not around much for a while, that is why.  The people from church have been awesome.  The ladies all got together and are making us meals for the next several days...