Emotional Supports For Children Workshop

Yesterday I was sponsored by somebody in our school district to go to a workshop on "Emotional Supports for Children".  It was actually three workshops:

"Beyond Bossing, Begging and Bribing"
"Emotions Coaching"
"Movement Makes Sense"

This was run by the wonderful, funny, inspiring ladies of The Fitzgerald Institute. I learned a lot and wanted to share what I learned here in case others might find it beneficial too.

Movement Makes Sense:

This was an overview of Brain Gym.  The hand-out I received about this states how "Brain gym empowers individuals to utilize their own brain power more effectively.  It balances and integrates your whole brain through simple movements and exercises.  As a result you are relieved of stress, especially stress related to learning and performance.  You are also able to be more focused, organized, and centered in achieving any goal.  This program was originally developed for children with learning difficulties...." We learned about something called PACE: 

Positive

Active

Clear

Energetic

The steps to PACE are drinking water, doing "Brain Buttons", "Cross Crawl" and "Hook Ups".  

Cross Crawl was standing up, lifting your right knee up to hip level, touching it with your left hand and switching back and forth.  Cross Crawl is an exercise that is said to be a "Mid-line Movement" which is good for children who are tense or who have been through trauma. Doing the cross crawl is said to help with transitions, which is something I know most children who have diagnoses like Elijah does, struggle with. Other mid-line movements we learned were doing "Lazy 8s".  Take a piece of paper.  Draw a dot in the center.  Using your dominant hand make a sideways 8 beginning on the dot and going up to the left.  Then repeat with your non-dominant hand.  Again with both hands.  Neck Rolls is another option, as is belly breathing. 

Hook Ups was putting your hands straight out in front of you, thumbs up, thumbs down, criss cross hands, intermingle fingers together, fold in upside down to the chest and hold it there for a couple minutes.  At the same time place the tongue on the roof of the mouth.  That is an important piece, because it releases endorphines which tell the body things are okay. Hook Ups is said to be good for "Deepening Attitudes".  At the same time hold legs out or up and crossed.  

There are also Lengthening Activities.  One we learned which children will most likely like is called Owl.  Make the lobster claw again.  Message the shoulder opposite to that hand.  Squeeze the muscle gently.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Turn head.  Repeat again, while breathing out go "Whooooo".  

Energy exercises work with the mid-brain.  They are said to be good for emotional well being and brain calming.  Things such as Brain Buttons.  Place one hand on the stomach and your other hand on the chest.  Use the fingers and thumb on the chest hand to make a lobster claw.  Message the area of your chest bone gently.  Drinking water was also an energy exercise.  Energy Yawn is another one which increases blood flow to the brain.  Go underneath the ear on those bones with the index and middle fingers.  Rub up and down trying to make yourself yawn.  The "Thinking Cap" is one that works well for balance and auditory.  Rub the ear lobes towards the ear going all the way down.  

Beyond Bossing, Begging and Bribing: 

Jeanine is so very funny and knowledgeable.  If anyone has a chance to see one of her presentations I highly suggest it.  It was awesome! I learned a ton in this workshop.  

• All positive discipline begins with adult behavior. 
• Only two things bring happiness. Those are character and having a life of purpose. 
• All children are perfectly designed. 
• There are no helpless children. 
• Nagging is the fastest way to rebellion at any age. 
• Although adults are taught to get to eye level with children, that actually doesn't work with some children because to them face to face equals a challenge. While important in speech and language, with behaviors eye contact is not important.  Intermittent eye contact with eyes to shoulders is said to be best. Standing side to side is best because it's less intimidating. 
• When people are given a direction they have a decision to make to follow it or not.  If they do then it's all good.  If not then typically parents repeat the direction an average of 3-7x.  If children don't follow through with direction, parents often become angry.  Once angry they usually either say something, do something or give in.  Parents are said to give in 75% of the time because it is easier. 
• When dealing with children we need to think of the proximity we are to them.  Everyone in life has their own comfort zone. 
• An "Effective Command" either gives 2 choices or says "It is time to" without options. 
• It's important to deliver instructions about what we want children to do from a distance of 3-5 feet to teach personal space.  We should have very little affect (Limit hand movement, keep hands below waist and neutral).
• Once instruction is delivered wait 10 seconds before repeating.  This actually seems to be a lot longer than it sounds to be.  Try it.  You'll see! Then move to action giving consequences. 
• We learned about the different parenting styles which you can learn more about here and here. The three types we learned about were Authoritarian, Permissive and Authoritative. Authoritative is said to be the best. 
• There are 3 things we need to feel secure in life: 1. Rules that mean something... 2. Consequences... 3. Consistent Follow Through with those rules.
• "Few rules followed are better than many not."
• We should only have 3-5 rules such as "Ask before touching" instead of "Keep hands to self" because sometimes in life we might need to touch others such as to help them. 
• If you can't figure an effective consequence to a behavior, that behavior doesn't call for a consequence.  It calls for teaching.  
• It's far more important to use positive consequences that begin with "I notice that....."
• Anticipate and prevent; Communicate, Set limits, Acknowledge and Validate Emotions (I hear what you are saying..."), Teach new skills.  
• "If you don't listen to the whispers you force them to shout".  This is talking about behaviors and how small things can escalate into huge ones.  
• Discipline has two goals:  To teach self discipline and to teach self control.  
• We learned about "Logical Consequences".  Examples of these are: When the child throws a ball in the house remove the ball; When a child spills milk he/she cleans it up; When a child refuses to go to school he must stay in bed all day with no television or entertainment.
• We need to teach children that "Your behavior is not acceptable, but I always love you".  
• When put on the spot, use the STAR method: S=Breathe, Take 10, Say to the child "I need a minute to think; T= Think about what is really happening, what does the child need, and use positive intent; A=Use Active listening to understand the child's point-of-view; R=Respond by applying logical consequences.  
• The best consequences are "Teaching consequences".  For example if a child bites, have them help the person they bit feel better by getting an ice pack and holding it on the boo-boo.  
• Stickers and Time Outs both teach children to think the wrong way. 
• It's important to establish a parenting vision.  When your child is 20 years old what traits and characteristics do you want them to have?  Write a list of 10 and compare with your partner (If you have one).  
• Parents need to stop fighting about differences and look for solutions. 
• When children say "Leave me alone" it is important to do that if it is safe to do so.  Often times parents nag children wanting to know what is wrong, but it is important to give them space and time when they say they need it. 

Emotions Coaching:

• Impulse control is the most important skill we can teach children.
• Emotions Modulation: Intensity (Little vs Big),  Feelings Thermometers, and using words children can relate to. 
• Teach children effective, constructive ways to express emotions (Such as walking away, talking, exercising, alone time...)
• When children act up think if they lack social language, self regulation skills or if they have unmet needs (Hungry?  Tired?  Hot?). 
• Children need quantity time with quantity interactions. 
• Don't try to fix children.  Adjust to them.  
• The Dimensions of Attachment: Sensitivity (Reading cues accurately and responding accurately), Acceptance (Approval), Accessibility (Am I available?), and Cooperation (Work with who the child is not who you expect them to be).  
• Emotional Regulation Sequence: Trigger (Internal or External) leads to Thoughts ("Not safe") which lead to Emotions, which lead to Actions, which lead to the Outcome.  
• Handling Our Own Emotions: Engulfed (Totally overwhelmed, don't know feelings), Accepting (Understanding what the emotion is), Self Awareness (Knowing what emotion is and what the trigger is, then doing what we can to change the outcome). 
• Handling The Emotions of Others: Dismissing and Disapproving (For example "Big boys don't cry" is disciplining a child for their emotions.  This teaches the child "I will trivialize what you express").  Laissez-Faire: "Boys will be boys" letting kids express emotions however no boundaries). Coaching: Helping children label their emotions, acknowledging and validating feelings, teaching modulation (The intensity of emotions and how to calm self). 
• We need to teach children the 4 basic emotions: Mad, Glad, Sad, and Afraid. It is not until age 12 that children can begin recognizing mixed feelings such as jealousy.  In adolescence children begin understanding subtler feelings like love and hate. (Hey that explains why teens like to say "I hate you".
• Teaching Points: Everyone has feelings which are neither right nor wrong; Feelings come from somewhere and have triggers (Some examples of triggers are unstructured times, transitions, loss of power/autonomy, sensory overstimulation or understimulation which leads to frustration or boredom, rejection, or restriction of movement); It's not always easy to know what we feel; The body has an alarm system. 

This workshop was very informative.  The lady running it reminded me of a grown-up, female Honeybunches.  She talked about her childhood.  Some of the things she said sound just like him lol.