For Sale: One Daddy on Ebay... and Thoughts On CT Tragedy

Once upon a time there was a little man who said... "Rrrr I don't like Daddy.  I'm gonna sell him on Ebay.  He should go back to New York where he came from..." Yup! Little man is not happy tonight.  We had to give him his medication an hour late because tomorrow morning we have to go to the lab.  They have to draw it 12 hours after his last dose of Lithium, but they don't open until 7:00.  Usually he has his night meds at 6, but on the evenings before blood draws, we have to change the time to seven.  Anyways, Honeybunches is hyper tonight.  There were no major incidents, just him playing around a bit too rough with his sister Princess, using not nice words with Daddy, and other small stuff like that.  Daddy has been getting frustrated easily, losing his patience and not using the best choice of words. That's caused me to be a bit frustrated with DH.  I don't believe that he's been taking his morning medications and think he needs to start again. DH's lack of patience and word choice in turn makes Honeybunches more upset.  In his words "Daddy gets me going...".  When Honeybunches said he wanted to sell Daddy, I had to make myself not laugh, because in reality it was not funny but he was so serious the way he said it was hilarious.  Honeybunches has been doing good calming his body though.  He came up with a new coping skill on his own a couple weeks ago.  He will go into his room, get in bed and either cover his head with a pillow or just lay there and read.  Sometimes he'll humm to himself. 


Reading everything about the tragedy in Connecticut has been really depressing me. As I think back to how my son was before his hospitalization back in 2009, I can honestly say my heart is filled with fright. I have so many fears about his future. He used to have very serious aggression, instability and rage. There were times that I was terrified of my six-year-old. That's something that others  would never understand, until they have a child with Bipolar who was as unstable as he was or have a child with another diagnoses which can cause the uncontrollable, unprovoked aggression. He would get this look in his eye. Then it was like something overtook his body. He was not in control anymore. It was like he was not even there. It was not my son doing these things. Yes, on his current regime of meds, he's much different now, but still sometimes I wonder about what his future will hold. Sometimes it's to hard to think about so I try to focus on each day. Could my son be capable of something like what happened on Friday? With all of my heart, I hope not, but part of me looking back at how he used to be honestly has that fear. I refuse to let that be my son's destiny. 

That's why I never let him play with toy guns and teach him guns are bad. This is why I keep advocating so strong for him to get the help he needs. This is why I don't give up. This is why I remain determined to keep fighting. This is why I don't care if people at the school like me. They can hate me all they want to. I won't shut up until my son is getting all the help he needs there. When he does, I am happy to thank them for doing a good job. When he doesn't or when things aren't right, I will make my voice heard until they fix it. This is the reason why I listen to that voice inside my heart that tells me when things just are not right and when they are. I don't think I am alone, in the world of parents who have children with mental illness as I wonder if my son could ever be capable of something like that. I am scared. No, I am terrified. I think one difference is that I am not scared to say that I am. There has to be changes in the mental health system. I will remain dedicated to making sure my son gets his needs met at home, at school and in the community with the hope that I will make a difference.

The children, principal, other professionals, and children who died on Friday are receiving millions of prayers. I also think we should stop and pray for this man's forgiveness. Pray for his brother and the rest of his family. They lost love ones too and will have to live the rest of their lives dealing with this horrific tragedy their brother died committing. They are the forgotten ones, but I believe they are just as worthy of prayer as the families of those children. Yes, I can see how some people will say that the children were innocent and this man was not. The killer was somebody's brother, somebody's son, maybe somebody's uncle and cousin. I wonder what happened in his life that made him come to that? We shall never know because he's dead. I pray that he'll be forgiven and his family will have strength to get through this too.

There was something about seeing President Obama wipe the tears from his eyes as well as that poem/picture above that touched my heart the most.  Both of them had tears in my eyes and made my heart ache.  

Communication is really lacking with Honeybunches new 1:1 aide.  At this point, I am not liking her.  There's not much I can do, except make my voice heard about what concerns me.  She hasn't done anything that's really horrible.  I just am not too fond of her.  I know that she finds Honeybunches intimidating.  She's impossible to talk to.  I just don't feel like she's the right fit for my son.  Maybe as the year goes on, she can be molded to be a better fit.  IDK.  I guess time will tell.